Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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