Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
