dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
