a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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