Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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