So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
