You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
