My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
