i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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