Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
