why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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