that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
