Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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