I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
