You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
