He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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