Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
