Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
