Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
