I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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