I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
