this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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