Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
