My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
