Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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