....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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