Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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