i need an iv and a liver transplant
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
