A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
