Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Holy shit dude........stairs
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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