i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
