If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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