After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
