So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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