weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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