My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
