Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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