also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
