I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
