The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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