i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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