The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
