I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Randomize
