Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
