I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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