I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
that may or may not have been my penis.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
