people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
