Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
be right there i have to get my cape
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
