so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
