The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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