Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
