Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
