R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
