Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
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it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
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I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
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