Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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