I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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