I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
