I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
third nipple confirmed
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
